i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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