I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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