How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just invented taco cereal.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
