So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
