Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
