i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
