Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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