I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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