i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
