I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
