Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
