my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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