Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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