what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
