literally had 100 drinks last night.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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