If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
