Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
