I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
