batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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