She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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