I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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