giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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