My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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