considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
