this boner is exhausting
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
