I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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