I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
