We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Your cock deserves a montage
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
