my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
