So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
