even my farts smell like vagina
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
