the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
