Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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