there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
