Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
