No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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