I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
