I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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