I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
