genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
