I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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