Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I want her autograph on my taint
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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