just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I need to calm my uterus...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
