U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
