someone threw a dead crab at me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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