My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
