Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
