He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
