I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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