Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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