I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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